We open on the Sunnydale cemetery. The camera’s handheld, a little
shaky. It focuses on: STEVE IRWIN, the Crocodile Hunter (who has decided
to go after more exotic game for the purpose of our current narrative) crouched
behind a large tombstone. Steve’s wearing his usual khaki getup and
night vision goggles.
TERI IRWIN speaks in voiceover narration.
TERI: After spending some time researching, we decided to pay a visit
to Sunnydale, California, rumored to be a bit of a demon hotspot. Some
of the most dangerous, poisonous, and just plain evil demons have been sighted
here over the past hundred years. Our goal here is to bag one or two
big, virile ones and ship them to Europe, where they’ll be well taken care
of in the brand new Demon Reserve in Transylvania.
Steve turns toward the camera.
STEVE: Not much action here yet. Rumor has it there’s some magnificent
beasties in this graveyard.
He looks back toward the graveyard. Some movement in the distance.
STEVE: Crikey! Here comes something now!
Camera (jerky handheld, bouncing up and down so it looks really realistic)
follows the movement of a large, horned demon. Obviously a Big Baddy.
Behind it lurks a tall figure in a long, swirly coat. Gee, wonder who
that is…
TERI: (Voiceover) We’d done a lot of reading about how exactly to capture
these creatures. Steve really wants to get in there one-on-one, but
I pointed out that this was a good way to get himself eviscerated. He
didn’t care, but I told him that if he got himself killed, not only would
I not narrate his show anymore, I wouldn’t have sex with him. So he
decided on a safer method.
Steve pulls out a BIG-ASS TRANQUILIZER GUN. He takes a minute to observe
his prey. The big horny demon--I mean, the demon with horns--is now
standing in the middle of the cemetery, having what appears to be a meaningful
conversation with Mr. Swirly Coat (gee, wonder who that is).
STEVE: These are magnificent creatures. (The camera focuses
on the horny demon--I mean the demon with horns. He’s big and about
the ugliest thing you can imagine. Warty face and really big-ass horns.)
Look at that one. Ain’t he a beauty? The Transylvanian Demon Reserve
will love it when they see this blighter, let me tell you. (Camera
shifts to Angel.) Now, this one looks like a human. Might not
want to nab him right away--
The conversation between Angel and the demon suddenly becomes heated.
Angel morphs into vamp face and makes threatening faces at the demon.
STEVE: Crikey! That’s no human!
He hauls up his big-ass tranquilizer gun and shoots them both. The
demon grabs his ass, where the tranquilizer dart hit him, yanks it out, and
runs like hell. Angel, with a dart in his chest, turns and runs full-tilt
straight at the camera. The camera wobbles and jerks back and finally
falls over sideways as Angel falls on top of it.
CUT TO:
Steve has finished hog-tying the still unconscious Angel and he and some
of his cronies dump him in the back of the truck. They are just closing
the back of the pick-up when a new face arrives on the scene. This is
BUFFY, looking worried and maybe a little pissed.
BUFFY: Who the hell are you?
STEVE: (to camera) Look at this! A pretty little sheila.
Is she a demon, too?
He turns to look at Buffy and Buffy slugs him in the face. He staggers
back.
BUFFY: I am not a demon. And my name’s Buffy, not Sheila.
STEVE: Crikey! That’s quite a little temper you’ve got there!
BUFFY: Who are you and what are you doing in my cemetery?
STEVE: We’re hunting down some of these gorgeous demons you’ve got
here so we can send them to Transylvania where they’ll be safe from harm.
BUFFY: They’re not supposed to be safe from harm. They’re supposed
to be here where I can kill them.
Steve is very much taken aback by Buffy’s attitude. Could she, just
possibly, not be into this demon conservation thing? Is all not entirely
well in Steve’s world?
STEVE: Kill them? You can’t just kill them. These are
gorgeous, magnificent creatures! Examples of the finest nature has
to offer. They need to be preserved and helped. What’s wrong
with you, mate?
BUFFY: They need to be preserved? Why? Oh, I know. SO
THEY CAN SEND US ALL TO HELL!
TERI: (in Voiceover) I could tell Steve was very distressed by this
perky little cute chick and her obvious prejudice against demons. We
believe all creatures have the right to exist on this planet, and perky little
nubile thing obviously just wasn’t on our side. (Beat) Hell, I
wanted to kill her myself.
Buffy and Steve are glaring at each other. Behind them, the pickup
truck engine revs and the truck starts to move. In the bed, Angel, still
in vamp face, sits up groggily and looks over the tailgate, then falls backwards,
back into the truck bed.
Buffy sees this. She gapes at Steve.
BUFFY: THAT’S the demon you’re sending to Transylvania?!
STEVE: That’s right. So he’ll be safe from you and your kind
who just want to murder him--
BUFFY: You can’t take that one to Transylvania!
STEVE: Why not?
BUFFY: BECAUSE THAT ONE’S MY BOYFRIEND!!
She tears off after the truck.
CUT TO:
A nondescript, tan building at the Sunnydale Zoo. The sign above the
door says, “ZOO VETERINARIAN.” It’s daylight. The pickup truck
sits out front.
TERI: (Voiceover) We’d set up headquarters the day before at the Sunnydale
Zoo. They thought we were crazy when we told them we were hunting demons,
but they let us have use of their old veterinary building. They have
a new, state-of-the-art facility now, thanks to the generous work of the Sunnydale
Mayor, who funded this facility with the condition that they also hire staff
with knowledge of the treatment of large snakes.
The camera goes inside. Steadicam ride down the hallways, looking
into the various cells.
TERI: (Voiceover) The confinement facilities were exactly right for
our needs. Unfortunately, our first venture into the cemetery didn’t
have quite the results we were after, as we’d only captured one demon.
He was quite the specimen, though.
Camera stops at the last cell. Teri stands outside, looking longingly
in through the bars. Inside, Angel is hog-tied, still in his black coat.
No, scratch that--a tank top and pants. Oh, screw it. We don’t
have to worry about censors or the episode budget for the tattoo. He’s
buck naked.
THE AUTHOR: (This sounds like voiceover, but it is actually a booming voice
from Heaven, as in this universe, the Author is God.) Get away from
him, you annoying little bitch.
Teri makes a face and walks away. The camera follows her as the Author
descends to take Greatly Unfair Advantage of Angel’s current hog-tied and
naked condition.
CUT TO: Later. Much later.
Angel looks very tired. No perfect happiness for him, though, as he’s
mostly just been shamelessly used.
CUT TO: The lobby area of the veterinary facility. Buffy faces
down Steve and Teri.
BUFFY: You have to let him go.
STEVE: You just want to kill him.
BUFFY: No, I don’t. I told you, he’s my boyfriend.
TERI: But you’re the Vampire Slayer.
BUFFY: I know. . . Look, it’s a long story. Just let him go
and I’ll go hunt down that horny demon you tried to catch last night.
Him you can have.
STEVE: Okay, it’s a deal.
TERI: But, Steve . . .
Steve gives her a look. Teri subsides.
TERI: But he’s so pretty.
STEVE: At least let me interview him first. It’ll be good for
the show. (He’s getting excited again.) Crikey, the first demon TV interview,
and it’ll be on my show.
CUT TO: Angel, dressed again (dammit), talks interview-style to someone
just off camera.
ANGEL: I really don’t want to go to Eastern Europe. I mean,
been there, done that. Saw all I wanted to see, ate everybody I wanted
to eat. I’m pretty much over the whole, “Europe is cool,” thing.
STEVE: (off camera) But in the new demon reserve, you’ll be
safe from harm.
ANGEL: You want me to live in a reserve with a bunch of demons?
Screw that. Those things stink. And what’d you do with the guy
I was talking to in the graveyard? He owes me money.
STEVE: But you’re a demon yourself. A gorgeous specimen.
They’d love to have you.
ANGEL: Are you gay or what? Look, either let me go or let me
bite you. I’m starving.
CUT TO: Lobby of the building. Buffy comes in, brushing off
her hands.
BUFFY: (to one of Steve’s cronies) That demon you want is chained up in
the Nelson crypt. You can go get him any time you want him. Now
give me Angel.
Crony-guy nods and goes into another room. Comes back a second later
with Angel. Buffy runs to him and hugs him.
BUFFY: Angel, are you all right?
ANGEL: Yeah, I’m fine. Just hungry. Oh, and I was naked
and hog-tied and shamelessly used.
BUFFY: (Furious) Was it that Teri woman? I’ll kill her!
ANGEL: No it was the Author.
Buffy realizes she is helpless in the face of the Author’s omnipotent power.
BUFFY: Damn. I hate that bitch.
They walk off together, hand in hand.
END.